..err... I mean hookers... yeah hookers.

You see kids, sometimes when a man and a woman... Wait, no that's another explanation.

With each comment I read about this being a "cute" song, I come a little closer to death by a blown out lung, because it never fails to make me laugh. So lets get one thing straight: Koakuma Heaven is NOT a cute song. Its trashy song, a very, very trashy song. As we speak, that hyper techno music blaring from our speakers has our dust covered copies of Vanilla blushing in embarrassment.

Because Koakuma Heaven is about HOOKERS, whores, cheap tricks, scarlet ladies... call them what you want, but that's what this is about. Lets not be silly and start yacking on about this just being about a woman who is a little loose.

Line about a blow job + line about thick wallet, does not = cheap date. Indeed; blow job + thick wallet = VERY EXPENSIVE DATE

If ya' know what I mean. Lots of native speakers have already verified the point, so lets just let that one rest.

Yes indeed, Koakuma Heaven is sung from the perspective of a hooker and a female one too. We know its a woman because Gackt uses "wa" at the end of several words and the pronoun "Uchi". Both are only used by women and children. (and we can safely assume this isn't a child) Then of course there's the drag-tastic cover. ^^

You can read the song lyrics: HERE if you still don't believe me!

Oh and there's been a lot of confusion (amongst overseas fans) over the use of emoticons in the song. I've heard some pretty zany explanations for that, cyber sex being the favorite, but its actually very simple, in fact I bet its the emoticons that clenched it for the Japanese fans that this was a prostitute! You see, even in the red-light distracts of Shinjuku, you're going to have a hard time just walking in and finding a quicky. Oh sure, somebody will give you a naked massage and spray whip cream on you for a few thousand yen, but very few of the women (or men) that you come across in hostess clubs, salons, massage parlors, ect are going to screw you. No, sorry, no dice.

The actual prostitutes do their contact work over the phone. To get in touch with one of them you have to either know someone, who knows them and where they hang out or (as is usually the case) you have to go business card hunting. Yup' business cards.
Just wander over to your nearest shady payphone booth and grab one of the many little cards (often complete with photo) plastered on the inner walls and give them a call! Or rather a text. Most propositions are made via text message and particular emoticons are often used
as codes: the <3 heart being the favorite.

-and of course our favorite ex-host would know all about that. ^.-

...well, literature in general has been making me queazy lately, but the fanfiction....the Jrock fanfiction is really starting to kill my brain.

I mean really, what the fuck?

For starters:

ENOUGH with random character (probably a jrocker) adopts cute, random, non-Asian munchkin...that is from YOUR home country and despite being five years old is quite obviously YOU THE WRITER.

STOP IT .

STOP IT.

STOP IT.

Its been done badly by so many of the blundering tweens that have come before you. Stop beating the dead orphan.

I would comment about just generally writing yourself into the story, but that has been done so many times, that offenders will find that there is already a special part of hell reserved just for them:

Just go five miles down the river styxs and veer a right when you come to the river of boiling blood and you'll find a grassy meadow where Stephenie Meyer will poke in the eye with an under done piece of mochi while regaling you with tales of how edgy she is....FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY.


AND we know you want to write an "angsty" story but after five pages of "its sad...I'm angry...its all so bad..my boyfriend beats me...no one believes me and despite the fact that I have gobs of money and resources lying around, it never occurred to me to go rent a freaking hotel room...whine...whine...whine...".

YES we are all crying. But not because its making us particularly sad. Its so overdone that it's just become annoying. We're crying because our eyes are bleeding and YOU are on the other side of the world somewhere, to far away for us to strangle!
How are we supposed to find something genuinely sad if you fail to put something happy or even vaguely mundane in there with it? I'm not saying that every story needs Miyavi in the background throwing pies while people cry, but going straight out snivel will get you nowhere.

Writing angst is like being in a fist fight.
A little bit of good foot work and the occasional well placed sucker punch to the stomach, works a hell of a lot better than bitch slapping you opponent for twenty minutes straight!


ALSO.....Dear tween girls...stop trying to write smut!

OW. Just...ow.
You are fourteen and have likely never been anywhere near a naked man since you were a couple months old and your father still took baths with you.

Please stop making us all uncomfortable, by writing uncomfortable sex scenes. Write action, write comedy, write cute fluffy romance. But if you're going to write about two people going at it, kindly wait a couple years and come back and see us once you've grown some pubic hair.



AND WHILE I'M AT IT ....MEN DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

A lot of fanfiction is slash. That brings me around to the number one thing that would make me want to rip my own nails out and stick the bleeding digits into a of bowl salt, rather than having to read.

Men acting like women.

WHAT THE HELL?

Men are men. Regardless of whether or not they are gay. Period.
They are socially...some believe even biologically, programed to act like MEN.

Lets use the break up scenario:

Men do not split up with someone and then go to their best friend's house and bawl their eyes out into their Hello Kitty pillows and eat ice cream to make themselves feel better. They might be sad, but they're probably going to hold that in.

They might get angry or drunk or pretend that they're not bothered.

If they do get angry, they're not going to get angry by throwing a tantrum and bawling like they are going through a rough round of PMS. They might do some shouting and kick things around a bit, they might not talk to anybody for a week.
Most men hit things when they get angry.

Walls.

Cars.

People.

Trees.

Really what ever is closest at the moment.

AND IF THEY WERE TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THE OTHER PERSON:

Person B isn't going to try to make it up to them by bringing a dozen red roses.
Because person A would probably have the reaction of : "Flowers? You know what this is where the problem started in the first place! You, acting like I have fucking ovaries"

Now don't get me wrong. Men have break downs. They cry. Sometimes in front of other people. Some men do it a lot more than others.

But they don't do it at every little thing.

Uhg...

'Year of the Cat' has just come up on my Itunes and I now have the sudden urge to go eat soup and watch Barefoot in the Park. No Idea as to the connection.

I'll catch you guys later. ^^

...Oh and thank you everybody for your "get better" wishes! I'm starting to feel a lot less crappy!